Hogan's Hetalians
by DemonWolf37
Summary: A crossover between Hetalia and Hogan's Heroes (It's alright if you haven't seen it, most of it is explained anyway). The Unsung Heroes' latest mission brings them into contact with some rather peculiar individuals.
1. Chapter 1

Colonel Hogan, the senior ranking officer in the POW camp Stalag 13, was in barracks 2 playing poker with his fellow prisoners, Sergeant Carter, Corporal Lebeau, and Corporal Newkirk when he heard a knocking at the bunk with led to their secret tunnels underground.

"Let him up," Hogan said without looking up from his cards. The short Frenchman Lebeau went to open the trapdoor allowing Sergeant Kinchloe to come back into the barracks.

"What've ya got, Kinch?" Hogan asked as the African American handed him a piece of paper.

"Orders from London," he replied.

"'Two important German officers in the area with potential vital information,'" Hogan paraphrased, "Newkirk, do you have those German uniforms all patched up like I asked?"

"They're all stitched up quite nicely, sir," the Briton replied.

"Perfect. Lebeau, what's for dinner tonight?"

"Bouillabaisse,"

"Save some for me, I might be out for a while."

"Too bad I couldn't get my hands on any high quality saffron. Apparently there's a war on."

"Now what could the krauts possibly want with high quality saffron?" ((Cue audience laugh, lol)) No one had time to answer Hogan's rhetorical question before Sergeant Shultz came into the barracks.

Sergeant Shultz was a rather large German soldier and the Sergeant of the Guard. Although he may not look threatening… I'm just kidding, he's not threatening at all. The prisoners barely have to bribe Shultz with food for him to keep quiet about the goings-on in the camp.

"Colonel Hogan, Kommandant Klink wants to see you in his office."

"Oh, what is it now Shultz? Can't you see we're in the middle of a game?" Hogan asked sarcastically.

"The kommandant said it's _very_ important."

"Of course. Alright, well, I fold," Hogan said dropping his aces face-up on the table. He walked himself over to Klink's office building and greeted Klink's secretary, Hilda, with a kiss. Hilda was, of course, in on the prisoners whole operation and had a bit of an ongoing flirtatious relationship with Hogan. Soon after he marched into Klink's office.

"You wanted to see me, Klink?" he asked almost casually.

"Do you take Stalag 13 as a joke, Colonel Hogan?" Klink asked in his serious voice.

"Sometimes, but only if the joke's funny," Hogan quipped. The kommandant obviously did not find it so as he slammed his hand down on the desk.

"Hogan," Klink addressed, "your men have been displaying a ridiculous level of insubordination lately."

"I hear it's because they don't like Germans," Again, Klink slammed his hand down, this time standing up to face Hogan.

"I found this in my schnapps glass this morning- my schnapps glass!" Klink said holding up a baseball, "Came flying in through the window."

"Wow. Hole in one."

"Hogan, if you don't control your men I'll have no choice but no cancel your recreational period."

"Ooh, that's low, sir, even for you," Hogan said sarcastically. Klink didn't pick up on it.

"Well, that's why they call me the Iron Kommandant," he said proudly- no, _vainly_. "Did you know that I was once named Kommandant of the Year?"

"Yes, sir, I was there." Hogan responded. The whole "Kommandant of the Year" thing had actually been a set-up from Hogan to buy them time to get pictures of a new rocket. Klink became incredibly gullible whenever his feathers were fluffed, and Hogan had used that to his advantage many times in the past.

"And that's exactly why you wouldn't dare cancel recreational period," Hogan continued.

"I wouldn't?" Klink asked, completely thrown off. Hogan was in charge now. As he explained he walked up and took two cigars from the box on Klink's desk and offered him one.

"_No!_ The Iron Kommandant," he paused, "such a lovely title… The Iron Kommandant, beloved by everyone, admired by even his own prisoners. Why I even heard the men talking the other day about how much they loved your 'control them with kindness' attitude that they almost didn't want to escape!"

"_Really?_" the kommandant asked in surprise, "Well, there _has_ never been a successful escape from Stalag 13!" Klink said, his vanity showing.

"Exactly. And you wouldn't want to lose their admiration, now would you? Here, do you have a light?" Hogan asked, holding up the cigar.

"Oh, yes, of course!" Klink said, happily lighting the cigar for Hogan.

"Now, was there anything else you wanted to see me about, Klink?" Hogan asked, pouring himself a glass of Schnapps and sitting himself down in Klink's desk and resting his feet up on it.

"Oh, no, that was it."

"Well, then, **dismissed!**" Hogan said, saluting. Klink saluted back and started towards the door before realizing.

"Hogan!" he shouted before taking the cigar and schnapps glass out of Hogan's hand and ordering him out the door.

Back at the barracks, Hogan changed into his custom-made German general's uniform. He slicked his hair back and adorned himself with a tiny fake mustache.

"Now the two Germans will be staying at The Hofbrau not too far from the camp. London didn't give a rank- just said they were very important. Supposedly they have information regarding new weapons development, troops- you name it. London specifically wants to know about a new type of U-boat being proposed, however any information is highly valuable," Hogan explained to the others before climbing down into the tunnels, "I should be back before morning. Cover for me if Shultz does a bed check."

And with that Hogan disappeared into the tunnels and out one of the openings outside of camp- this particular one to a hollowed out tree stump- and then off to The Hofbrau to do a bit of espionage.


	2. Chapter 2

Hogan entered The Hofbrau- in full German uniform, of course- and scanned the area. The bar was mostly full, conversations overlapping each other until they were indistinguishable. He immediately spotted the two he was looking for- the two in unmarked and unranked uniforms. One of them was the perfect image of Hitler's ideal German- slicked back blonde hair, bright blue eyes, a serious expression- while the other was an albino with bright platinum blonde hair and red eyes. _'Well, here goes nothing,' _Hogan thought as he approached the men.

"Excuse me gentlemen, but do either of you have a light?" Hogan asked, producing a cigar from his uniform's coat pocket. The both of them shook their heads. "Really? Neither of you?"

_'Well, this is going just swimmingly so far…' _Hogan thought bitterly to himself.

"Mind if I join you, gentlemen? I'll buy us a couple of beers." Hogan added at the end when he saw that neither of them were especially willing to let him join them.

"Ja, go right ahead," the blond one said, gesturing to the open seat. _'Yikes, the accent on that one is thick…' _Hogan commented mentally.

"General Hoganmeiser, Luftwaffe" Hogan introduced himself using one of his many aliases and extended a hand to the two Germans.

"Hoganmeiser?" the blond asked skeptically, shaking Hogan's hand.

"Ja," Hogan said confidentially, easily hiding his nerves. _'Not only does he have a thick accent, he suspicious as well. I'd better not blow this,' _London had made it perfectly clear that under no circumstances should the two Germans even consider that he could be a spy.

"Ludwig," the blond said.

"Gilbert," the other said, also shaking Hogan's hand. Gilbert didn't seem as suspicious towards Hogan as Ludwig was. _'Funny how neither of them gave anything but their first names. Just how top secret is the information they have?'_

"Excuse me," Hogan stopped the waitress passing behind him, "A round of beers?"

The waitress just nodded and continued on her way, leaving Hogan once again alone with the two.

"So, what division are you two in?" Hogan asked casually. Gilbert looked like he was about to give some smart remark but Ludwig stopped him.

"Bruder," he warned before speaking to Hogan, "If you don't mind, it'd be easier to keep that just between us."

"You two are brothers?" Hogan asked, quickly backing away from the business-like talk.

"Ja, Gilbert is my older brother." Ludwig said.

"Of Prussian decent, I might add. Pretty awesome, right?" Gilbert added in proudly. Ludwig gave him a look but didn't say anything about it. Right then the waitress returned with the round of beers.

"You don't say. I once knew a man from one of the old Prussian noble titles, or so he claimed anyway. You never could trust a word out of old Klink when it came to pride," Hogan said sipping from his beer, waiting to see if there was any reaction from the brothers signaling that they at least recognized the name. They did.

"Klink?" Ludwig asked.

"Ja. Do you know him?"

"Not personally, but we'll be visiting his camp- Stalag 13- in a few days,"

"Really? What for? Inspection?"

"It is unimportant," Ludwig answered immediately- meaning that it was very important. Stalag 13 seemed to be the center of attention again, and this time it wasn't because of Hogan's operations. "Now I think it's time we left. Or at least I left."

Ludwig's attention was directed- in a similar manor that one would look over a woman- towards the windows of the bar, where outside there was an Italian man waving at him.

"Bruder, I'll meet you back at the room later tonight," Ludwig said to his brother, "Oh, and General Hoganmeiser, it was a pleasure meeting you." Ludwig said, tipping his newly equipped hat as he departed. His suspicions seemed to have left, but there was still and air of caution around him

Hogan noticed as he departed how well-kept both the brother's uniforms had been. Either they were both incredible neat freaks, or they took whatever it was their job was very seriously- maybe even both.

When Hogan returned to camp it was still the middle of the night, but Kinch was already awaiting his return.

"Ready to make a call to London, Kinch?"

"Yes, colonel," Kinch said pumping the lever which raised the antennae for the radio.

"Pappa bear, this is Goldilocks, come in, Pappa bear," Hogan said into the radio.

"We read you, Goldilocks. What's your report on Hansel and Gretel?" [1]

"The porridge was too hot, repeat, Goldilocks was unable to get the porridge," [2]

"Not a problem, Goldilocks, the porridge is no longer important. When are Hansel and Gretel coming to Goldilocks house for a playdate?" [3]

"'A few days,' nothing more specific than that," Hogan waited as the other end went quiet for a moment.

"Rain check that playdate, Goldilocks. 'Red Eagle' will be coming over to Goldilock's house for tea in three days. Pick up 'Blue Eagle' and others in four days. Hold off playdate for five days. Do you copy, Goldilocks?" [4]

"We copy. Over and out, Pappa bear." Hogan said, ending the call. Strange how it was "Blue Eagle… _and others_" Normally either everyone had a code name or the group as a whole had a code name

Code:

[1] What did you find out from the two Germans?

[2] I couldn't find out about the U-boats. We didn't get the information.

[3] The information is unimportant now, the Germans do not intend to build the new U-boats. When are the two Germans coming to Stalag 13?

[4] Keep the two Germans from coming. A prisoner (codenamed "Red Eagle") is being transferred to Stalag 13 in three days. Pick up the parachuter codenamed "Blue Eagle" and others in four days. Keep the two Germans away for at least five days.


End file.
